Sneaking Suspicion

September 18, 2009

When I saw my new pdoc last month, I was having some problems with a mixed episode.  She prescribed more Geodon and gave me Trazadone for sleep.  The Trazadone didn’t do anything for me, but the Geodon seemed to bring me out of my funk. 

I started to feel better and better.  Then I started to feel giddy and silly.  And I started spending too much money, blabbing on and on about nothing, pressured speech, flight of ideas, racing thoughts, dramatically decreased need for sleep.  And became very obsessed with cleaning, doing laundry, keeping the kitchen clean.  I mean, cleaning and working on things in the morning from the time I am waking up (around 3:00 a.m.) until I go to work (I leave the house at 8:15 a.m.). 

At first, it was great.  I thought, “Oh finally, I feel good and am getting some stuff accomplished.”  Things have been super-slammed at work, spending all my time working on one case when I have tons of other people to work on as well, including four people from the mental health pod leaving next month, the pod that I am supposed to concentrate on.  So I’ve been running around with a chicken like my head cut off at work, but really seem to be getting things done.  I’ve worked a lot of nine or ten hour days, leaving me totally screwed by the end of the week, as we are not allowed to have overtime.  It’s just been really busy and I am handling it really well, I think, and my supervisors are very pleased. 

Yesterday, however, I hit a brick wall.  Actually, it may have started the day before.  Racing thoughts became faster, intrusive, all over the place.  I had a hard time focusing and getting things finished, leaving a bunch of unfinished business in my wake.  I started running out of things to work on at home, leaving me to sit and watch my head spin ’round and ’round in the wee hours of the morning, not tired at all, completely feeling rested and like I need to DO something.  My body feels itchy and crawly and jumpy.  I may or may not be hearing things that aren’t there and seeing little shadows out of the corner of my eye.  My mind is driving me crazy and it just won’t.shut.up. 

Then it dawned on me.  Hello mania, goodbye mixed episode!  Sure I’ll see you around, keep in touch!

For the most part, I’m still feeling really good, really hyped up and euphoric.  My sense of self is probably blown out of proportion — feeling like I can take on anything, do anything, that I’m the best, the smartest, the most beautiful.  All of those negative feelings about myself are gone gone gone and I don’t even recognize the person I was a month ago. 

Because it.never.happened, ok?  I will always be happy, always have high self-esteem, always have enough energy to do it all, with an extra six hours in my day that I’m not WASTING sleeping.

Insight is a fucking bitch.

Dido, Isobel


  1. Whew! Just reading that left me with my head spinning. Maybe you should switch to decaf in the mornings (and quit the cigarettes while your at it) 🙂 If only it were that simple. I have been sleeping like crap also but then I hit my wall everyday about 2. You know just after lunch in the warmth of the afternoon when all I really want to do is lay my head down. Hang in there.

    • I know, if only it were that simple. I have drastically reduced my caffeine intake and now the only caffeine I drink is my coffee in the mornings. That’s pretty good, considering how much diet soda I was drinking during the day. It definitely makes my tummy feel better not to consume all that caffeine. I finally got a bunch of sleep this weekend, YAY!, and am hopefully going to be able to sleep ok this week, but with Matt gone, it’s a bit harder for me. Thanks for the supportive words! 🙂

  2. Yes, insight is a f’g bitch. Tick-tock.

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